this is the end, this is not the end

“How come I end up where I started?
How come I end up where I went wrong?
Won’t take my eyes off the ball again,
First you reel me out and then you cut the string.”
- 15 Step, Radiohead

My previous post ‘on…becoming whole‘ is the last entry I’m going to write for a while.

When I moved my website hosting onto WordPress, I had visions that adding artwork, designs and painted models would be easier. I wanted my blog to be a place of joy and creativity, to showcase my (considerable) talents and share my art and hobbies with the world.

Instead, I quickly started diarising my thoughts, anxieties and worries on this platform. For a while, I was able to delude myself that the process was somehow cathartic. That by getting the thoughts out of my head and written down, I would be able to let go of them and in so doing, lighten my outlook.

That clearly hasn’t worked. No, rather I have used this platform to perpetuate my own negative internal thoughts. I have created a place that oscillates wildly from art and attempts at humour, to mawkish and hard-to-follow outpourings of blackness.

So, a break then.

I’ve given the site a new theme, fresh and summery (hope you approve!) ready for when I move back in.

I want to go off for a bit, and do some fun things rather than feel beholden to this electronic joy-sucker.

I’m gonna go and do fun things with my endlessly forgiving wife Verity. My best, most fun friends – Kate and Alan, Emma, Rich and Roberta, Colin and Mel, Joe and Katie.

I’m gonna re-find my creative muses and stretch my artistic boundaries.

I’m gonna do the things I enjoy – cooking and entertaining for friends, going shopping, taking walks.

In short, I’m gonna be the real me. Me, on a good day.

on…becoming whole

I started writing this post just over a week ago, when I felt like I was finally getting myself into a good place. I felt I was finally feeling happy with myself, and understanding not only who I am, but how I fit into and work in this world.

Over the last week or so, a few things have happened which have rather knocked the wind out of my sails. I’ve had some set-backs at work which have left me bruised and anxious. I’ve also allowed self-doubt, worry and self-loathing build to levels which have left me questioning my purpose and paranoid to the point of panic attacks.

It’s interesting then to re-visit this and share it with you. What was going to be my recipe for how I finally figured out how to fix myself, has become a reflection on another set of disappointments.

It is still a recipe, but one that I must now try to follow.

Again.


Stretching and fragmenting yourself never happens in one definable moment. It is a slow, insidious creeping effect, the result of every failed choice, every ill-considered action.

You don’t start out trying to become undone. You don’t actively seek to damage yourself and those around you. You don’t deliberately give voice to all your inner doubts, allowing them to grow in strength, creating a cacophony of conflicting personas, suffocating your mind.

When you stretch too far, you fragment too many times and break yourself into pieces.

When you lay there broken (shattered), wondering how on earth you’re ever going to put yourself back together, just look to two things:

  • the pieces;
  • the glue.

the pieces

We over-stretch ourselves trying to:

  • do too much:
    Success at work, being creative, taking on hobbies, varied interests, seeing the “must-see” movies, reading the “must-read” novels , being the cook, host and entertainer.
  • be all things to ourselves:
    Being kind, being thoughtful, being wiser, being calmer, being happier, being in control.
  • be all things to everyone:
    A better son/brother/partner/lover/friend/confidante/mentor.
  • keep all our options open, all the time:
    The constant feeling that we must be adaptable, that we must be able to always be all 950,000 different versions of ourselves, and call on that version at moment’s notice.
  • cling onto a past that no longer influences or guides our future.

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”
- Anatole France

It’s easy to see how quickly we splinter ourselves into too many parts.

Instead, from this fractured state, we can pick up the pieces of ourselves that we require. The core pieces that make us, well… us. We are able to discard and leave behind the accumulated baggage of our past, the unrealistic expectations of our present and the anxieties of our future. We can strip ourselves to our essential components and identify the key elements of us as healthy, rounded balanced people.

My essential components (July 4th 2010):

  • Quick-wit and sense of humour
  • Great cook
  • Generous host
  • Caring friend
  • Gifted artist
  • Fab personal stylist
  • Lover of fashion and glamour ;o)
  • Open mind
  • Contentment in the little things
  • Sensitive (too sensitive!!) soul

Some of these things you’ll recognise in me. Some have been buried for so long, I forgot I had them myself!

the glue

The glue binds these pieces together. It may not be as hard and unyielding as a glue, it may be more fluid, more organic – weaving the pieces of ourself (our self) back into a cohesive, functioning whole.

I think of my glue as being:

  • My relationships, my loved ones, friends and families:
    My relationships are the most important thing to me, in ways and meanings that I can never adequately articulate, or convey in any action or gesture.
  • My role and the joy or value I bring to others:
    I’ve written before about the value I bring to others, questioning why the people in my life want anything to do with me.
    But deep down, I think I know that I offer something (perhaps more than one thing!) to each and every one of my relationships.
  • My own sense of being, the pride and joy I can take from what I bring to myself:
    I am of many parts, and for years I have allowed those parts to compete internally, to become points of self-doubt, to generate feelings of worthlessness, failure – even disgust and shame. I realise increasingly, that is the very unique combination of these aspects of myself, that make me special. I have a blend of characteristics, experiences and values that is not only unique, it is me. I cannot remove or close parts of myself, without changing what it is to be me. Sure, on a given day of the week I’ll be more one aspect of me than another, but that is good. That is how I choose to live.

the whole

The whole then, is greater than the sum of its parts. So long as the parts are not too many or fragmented, then simply being whole is an exceptional gift, and requires no greater effort than accepting yourself for who you are.

“Because he believes in himself,
he doesn’t try to convince others.
Because he is content with himself,
he doesn’t need others’ approval.
Because he accepts himself,
the whole world accepts him.”
~ Tao Te Ching – Lao Tzu

you on a good day

You make conversation effortlessly.

You bring a smile to the faces of everyone you are near.

You light up the room with your brightness.

You are wise, and not arrogant.

You soothe with your warmth.

You are beautiful, even without any make-up.

You possess charisma and charm, but without ego.

You shine like stardust.

You suffuse every memory of your presence with gold.

You, on a good day.

vegetarians, be afraid

For anyone who’s ever said “I never eat food with a face”:

Nom noms

No trickery, no photoshop. No clumsy manipulation with a fork. My mixed salad really did have this little fella, just sitting on the plate and waiting to be speared on a tine.

Putting him in my mouth and popping his little sweetcorn innards between my teeth was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

But oh-so-tasty!

do you realize?

the sun don’t go down. It’s just an illusion caused by the world spinning round.
~ Do You Realize?, The Flaming Lips

Do you realise? (back to British spelling, sorry!) That we live in an amazing country, at an amazing time of year?

So as a nation we’re broke. We’ve been broke before (individually  and collectively), we’ll sort it out, one way or another.

So religious fundamentalism (from many religions) is growing at an exponential and alarming rate. It’s often cyclical, and will be followed by a period of rationalism, as long as we keep our collective cool.

Forget these things, and all the other big stuff that would terrify you to incapacity if you sat and mulled for long enough.

summertime

Instead, why not try this?

Find a friend, family member or a loved one.

Make yourselves a drink (squash, tea, Pimm’s – whatever you fancy).

Step into your back garden (or stroll to your nearest park/woods/nature trail).

Sit awhile on the grass or in comfy chairs.

In shared silence, just listen to the sounds of a summer’s day as it unfolds around you. The buzz and thrum of insect life, a plane heading to foreign parts. Kids in the next road playing and giggling, the ice cubes popping and melting in your glass.

Let the summer wash over you, permeating your soul and refreshing your mind. The shared experience of just being, is a captivating and magical gift.

Now, do you realise?

even jitterbug skinny legs get the blues in hot climates

My best friend Richard, who I’ve talked about previously, bought me a copy of the Tom Robbins novel “Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates”, ages ago. Richard has endless patience for my mood-swings and bouts of depression, and I know that while he finds it hard to understand the mindset, he will always be there to cheer me up, in any way he can.

In fact all my friends and loved ones:

  • Kate (who really doesn’t need my crap, yet still drops everything to help me);
  • her husband Alan (who wants me to chill and get a laid-back frame of mind);
  • Colin (who sits me down and tells me how the world is, as opposed to how I see it);
  • my wife, Verity (who has put up with this for 9 years and counting);

do their best. They do their best, even though I am at times, one of the most unpleasant and self-obsessed individuals ever to crawl on this earth.

But I digress. ’Fierce Invalids…’ has been sat on my bookshelf ever since Richard gave it to me, another volume in my expanding pile of books to read ‘some day’. Well, Saturday became that ‘some day’. I needed a diversion, I need absorption in a novel to take me out of myself, to give me joy. I need writing and wit that would stretch my brain and nourish my soul.

Tom Robbins delivers all of this. In spades.

I have been a fan of Mr. Robbins’ for many years, ever since I read “Even Cowgirls get the Blues” in my late teens. I adored the writing, the sheer unalloyed joy, verbal wit and intellect. The larger than life but utterly plausible characters. The feats of plotting, the journeys of imagination, philosophising and life-affirming, dive-in-with-your-boots-on sense of fun.

“Personally, I prefer Stevie Wonder,” confessed the Chink, “but what the hell. Those cowgirls are always bitching because the only radio station in the area plays nothing but polkas, but I say you can dance to anything if you really feel like dancing.” To prove it, he got up and danced to the news.

See? I can’t read that without smiling, and loving the Chink!

Reading ‘Fierce Invalids…’ I’ve been struck by how little time Tom Robbins’ has for depression and self-absorption. To the author, it is narcissistic, unproductive and ultimately, it just gets in the way of the main event. Having fun and living.

Show your working

To wit:

“When you’re unhappy, you get to pay a lot of attention to yourself. And you get to take yourself oh so very seriously. Your truly happy people, which is to say, your people who truly like themselves, they don’t think about themselves very much. Your unhappy person resents it when you try to cheer him up, because that means he has to stop dwellin’ on himself and start payin’ attention to the universe. Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence.”
— Tom Robbins (Jitterbug Perfume)

Abso-fucking-lutely.

“People tend to take everything too seriously. Especially themselves. Yep. And that’s probably what makes ‘em scared and hurt so much of the time. Life is too serious to take that seriously.”
— Tom Robbins

I agree.

“Among our egocentric sad-sacks, despair is as addictive as heroin and more popular than sex, for the single reason that when one is unhappy one gets to pay a lot of attention to oneself. Misery becomes a kind of emotional masturbation.”
— Tom Robbins (Wild Ducks Flying Backward)

No comment!!!

Tom Robbins writes with such a rich, all-encompassing love of life, that it is impossible to not get carried away with his infectious enthusiasm for existence – all the ups, downs, backwards and sideways that it brings.

As Switters’ (the main protaganist) learns from his Grandmother, Maestra:

“All depression has its roots in self-pity, and all self-pity is rooted in people taking themselves too seriously.”

At the time Switters had disputed her assertion. Even at seventeen, he was aware that depression could have chemical causes.

“The key word here is roots,” Maestra had countered. “The roots of depression. For most people, self-awareness and self-pity blossom simultaneously in early adolescence. It’s about that time that we start viewing the world as something other than a whoop-de-doo playground, we start to experience personally how threatening it can be, how cruel and unjust. At the very moment when we become, for the first time, both introspective and socially conscientious, we receive the bad news that the world, by and large, doesn’t give a rat’s ass. Even an old tomato like me can recall how painful, scary, and disillusioning that realization was. So, there’s a tendency, then, to slip into rage and self-pity, which if indulged, can fester into bouts of depression.”

“Yeah but Maestra – “

“Don’t interrupt. Now, unless someone stronger and wiser – a friend, a parent, a novelist, filmmaker, teacher, or musician – can josh us out of it, can elevate us and show us how petty and pompous and monumentally useless it is to take ourselves so seriously, then depression can become a habit, which, in turn, can produce a neurological imprint. Are you with me? Gradually, our brain chemistry becomes conditioned to react to negative stimuli in a particular, predictable way. One thing’ll go wrong and it’ll automatically switch on its blender and mix us that black cocktail, the ol’ doomsday daiquiri, and before we know it, we’re soused to the gills from the inside out. Once depression has become electrochemically integrated, it can be extremely difficult to philosophically or psychologically override it; by then it’s playing by physical rules, a whole different ball game. That’s why Switters my dearest, every time you’ve shown signs of feeling sorry for yourself, I’ve played my blues records really loud or read to you from The Horse’s Mouth. And that’s why when you’ve exhibited the slightest tendency toward self-importance, I’ve reminded you that you and me – you and I: excuse me – may be every bit as important as the President or the pope or the biggest prime-time icon in Hollywood, but none of us is much more than a pimple on the ass-end of creation, so let’s not get carried away with ourselves. Preventive medicine, boy. It’s preventive medicine.”

“But what about self-esteem?”

“Heh! Self-esteem is for sissies. Accept that you’re a pimple and try to keep a lively sense of humor about it. That way lies grace – and maybe even glory.”
— Tom Robbins (Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates)

It really gives you a sense of perspective, doesn’t it? Well, it may not to you, but it does to me.

Tom Robbins’ words hit home like daggers. He says what I imagine my friends would want to say if they felt they could. If they felt they could without upsetting me.

A thicker skin. No, scratch that. I like being thin-skinned. I like being sensitive. I like being an emotional person.

What I don’t need to keep doing is assuming that I am despised. I can’t keeping living in fear that the people I love will abandon me or dump me. Sure, they may do at some point (they have in the past). But should I let that cripple me?

What I don’t need to keep doing is assuming that I am worthless, a failure. I have achieved so much in my life. So you don’t like it? So what? I should be rightly proud of what I’ve achieved, rather than only being able to see the stuff that hasn’t quite worked.

“All a person can do in this life is gather about him his integrity, his imagination, and his individuality – and with these ever with him, out front and in sharp focus, leap into the dance of experience.”
— Tom Robbins (Even Cowgirls Get the Blues)

I’m not quite in the mood for dancing (yet!), but I will be soon

In the meantime, pick up a book by Tom Robbins, and just enjoy.

cider with mopey*

In the first of an irregular series of posts, I will be writing reviews of foodstuffs that have caught my eye while shopping. Being the magpie I am, these inevitably end up in my basket and then home before I give myself chance to think again.

Today, while in Sainsbury’s, I espied this cider in amongst the, erm, ciders.

Friels bottle

It’s called Friels cider and is made by a company called Cool Apple. I’m glad they decided to make cider, as they have a very silly name for timber supplies or the manufacture of oh I don’t know, shoe laces?

But I digress. So, this is Friels Cider. As anyone who knows me will be able to vouch, there is no way I could have seen a bottle like that in the supermarket and not bought it. It’s fabulous!

Sure it’s a marketing ploy. Sure, it’s been designed to catch the eye of more gullible casual shoppers. Sure it’s all about style over substance. Fortunately, they’ll have to try harder than that to catch me out!

Bugger.

This is a really lovingly crafted design, invoking and recalling the pin up girls of such talented artists as Gil Elvgren and Alberto Vargas. The retro pin-up atmosphere of 1940′s/1950′s America is just lovely.

Let’s take a closer look at that saucy young lady:

Friels

The saucy wink, the shirt-dress, pulling and gapping just enough to send the mind wild, but revealing nothing. She’s really rather charming, isn’t she?

What the hell has it got to do with apples or cider? No idea. The companion website www.frielscider.co.uk , while being a well-crafted (if infuriating) piece of Flash design doesn’t offer any further clues.

Perhaps; in much the same way as our muffins now have to be called ‘English Muffins’ to avoid confusion with American Muffins – which are just called ‘Muffins’; we will eventually have to start referring to our cider as ‘English Cider’ once these Yanks, oversexed, overpaid, over here, have flooded the market. And taken all our women with the lure of bubble gum and real nylons, not that eye-pencil and Bisto fakery us Brits have grown to know and love. There’s nothing quite like seeing a fine woman, on a warm day – the smell of beef dripping, it’s quite intoxicating!

Back on track, let’s look at the cider itself. In colour it’s a fairly pale straw colour, much more of a summer-tinged yellow than the more vivid orange you might see from a Bulmer’s or a Magner’s or any of those newer ‘ponce’ ciders. I can say ponce ciders without fear, as I drink them myself. Yes, with an Inuit-load of ice too.

Popping the cap (with a bottle opener, my hands are too soft to just twist those metal beer caps), and taking a deep inhale of the aroma, I’m struck by how yeasty it initially is. Brewing a bit more in the bottle perhaps?

It pours well, without foaming too much, at which point the smells largely dissipate. There’s no strong apple smell, just a faint, but pleasant cider scent. Which I guess is how cider should smell. Perhaps some other cider makers squirt a small amount of Ethyl-2-methyl butyrate into the bottle just before it gets capped – so it has that apple-y smell when opened?

Swilling the cider round in a glass, I can see a slight sparkliness effervescing around the edges, tiny bubbles tracing a path up and through the liquid. It all looks rather lovely, the perfect compliment to what is today, the hottest day of the year so far.

Let’s take a sip then.

Oh.

Okay, it tastes like a cider. It is so subtle though that I really cannot say more than that. It is pleasant, innocuous and inoffensive.

It lacks the apple punch of Magners. The raw kick of a good scrumpy. The rounded mouthfeel of an Aspall Organic.

I so desperately wanted to love it, for it to become my new favourite drink. To look forward to the inviting wink and glowing décolletage of our pin-up at the end of a warm summer’s day. It’s a shame that all I can say is that this drink is pleasant.

Would I drink it again? For sure. Would I urge others to buy it? Um… not really.

It’s an inoffensive, subtle cider – wrapped up in some exquisitely kitsch and super-cute packaging.

Friels Cider

  • Producer: Cool Apple
  • ABV: 4.9%
  • Bottle size: 568ml
  • Units per bottle: 2.8
  • No. of apples: 10
  • Sulphites: No
  • Price: £1.69 (Sainsbury’s)

*With profuse apologies to Laurie Lee.

that’s not the post I had been intending

Sometimes however, things crop up that throw you for six.

I would say that normal service will resume shortly, but looking at what I post – introspection and self-loathing appears to be the norm…

Okay, let’s make a deal. If you promise to keep reading and checking back here, I promise to write more about the good stuff, the clever stuff – the fun stuff.

Deal?

PS. I also promise to not post any more pictures of clowns!

someone’s got it in for me

I don’t want your sympathy

I spend somewhere around 2 hours a day, almost every day, despising myself.

That’s 2 hours per day picking apart every aspect of my personality.

  • My thoughts, beliefs and values;
  • My attitude, behaviours and actions;
  • My decisions, choices and options.

Note: This is not reflection, or review, it is simple self-loathing.

Life just never turned out how I wanted it to

14 hours in a week, 56 hours in a month.

Whose life does? I don’t have a master plan, a ’5 year’ list or anything like that. So without a plan, why do I get upset and depressed if I perceive that things haven’t gone how I wanted them to?

Without a view of how things should be, how can I discern what is incorrect?
Life is fluid, like a river. It’s easier to swim in the direction of flow, rather than try to swim upstream.  But still, I allow myself to believe that swimming upstream is the only way – fighting against the natural state of things, rather than accepting life for what it is.

Am I persecuting myself? Creating my own victim mentality? Am I constantly feeding an inner duality between the part of me that wants to be happy and the part that wants to bully me for every perceived failing?

The answer is: All of these things.

What a state I’m in

28 days across a year.

All of these are my failures:

  • My career has stalled and not advanced to the point I feel I should be at;
  • My earning potential, as  a consequence, is less than I feel it should be;
  • My talent(?) for art and creativity has never led to the successes and self-satisfaction that I want for it;
  • My financial management is, after 16 years of being an ‘adult’ still woefully juvenile;
  • My ability to derive pleasure and happiness from the moment deserts me as soon as the moment has gone;
  • I let my family and loved ones down, consistently and regularly;
  • My offers to look after, care for,  and help my friends always backfires and becomes a burden to them.


All of these are my successes:

The bully inside has got me, and taken everything away. It’s left me, bruised and snivelling and wishing I was home again, somewhere safe.

My self pitying

Since the age of 16, I have possibly spent around one and a half solid years of my life, hating myself.

My self pitying is tiresome. It takes away from who I am. It takes away from what I am. It takes away my potential to make my own happiness, and in so doing, bring happiness to others in turn.

This is what I aspire to:

“He is good to those who are good;
He is also good to those who are not good,
Thereby he is good.
He trusts those who are trustworthy;
He also trusts those who are not trustworthy,
Thereby he is trustworthy.
The sage lives in harmony with the world,
And his mind is the world’s mind.
So he nurtures the worlds of others
As a mother does her children.”
~ 49. People, Tao Te Ching – Lao Tzu

Why does it seem so damn impossible to get there?

the lesser of two evils

Some days, a small success can make you feel invincible. It can make you feel as though all your efforts and experience have been valid. It gives you purpose, and meaning. It makes the statement:

“I give something to this world. What I do is valued.”

Worthwhile.

Some days, a set back or disappointment can make you feel like crap. It eats away inside you, stripping the heart of it’s feelings, the brain of it’s logic, the nerves of their senses. It makes you question your existence. It asks the question:

“What if I just disappeared?”

Worthless.

I define myself in no small part by what I do. The work I produce, whether creatively or in employment says a great deal about myself.

Everything I make has a part of me suffused through it.

Everything I make is the product of my skills, experience and world-view.

Everything I make is in effect, a snapshot of who I was at that point in time. It is a record of me as much as a photograph, or a memory.

How could it not be so?

Take away or diminish my work, and you take away and diminish a part of me.

The separation between ‘work’ and ‘self’ does not exist in my mind.

How can it be achieved? Is it something I want?

Or, do I come to terms with the fact that I may always feel this way, I may always have this reaction? Even if it harms my career, my creativity and ultimately pushes people away?

That is a frightening prospect, for sure. And yet the alternative is to care less, to stop fighting for what I believe in.

I genuinely do not know which ‘lesser’ evil to choose from.